My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
