The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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