You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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