these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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