420 ftw
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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