get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
