is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
