Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
