If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
