All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Boobs are out for the taking
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
