why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
