i need an iv and a liver transplant
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
