there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
