so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
