New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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