Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
