You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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