Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
