What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
