So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
