My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
