If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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