If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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