My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
