I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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