Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
