How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
