Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
