If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
