If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
