break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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