So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
