Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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