So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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