My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Congratulations! We have a period
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