Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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