My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
