did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
