i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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