My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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