she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
