please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
