grandma shit on top of the toilet
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
