On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
