Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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