so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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