You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
