I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
