Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
