turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
