Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
